Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
