You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize