Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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