Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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