dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
