Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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