Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
