Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
