Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
