i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
