Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize