Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
