My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
