I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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