had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
