I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize