On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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