Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Swine flu is the new snow day.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
