theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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