if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize