yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
