Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
