I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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