Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
