I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
