I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
