I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
