would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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