girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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