Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
