I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
