You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
