i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
