my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
