I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
