Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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