I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
