just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
