My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
