If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
