I murdered the dance floor call the cops
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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