I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
