It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
