I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
