i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
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