I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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