my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
