I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
