You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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