Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
