fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
