You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
