He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
