i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
