i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
