he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
