I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
