I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
we're making bets on your personal life
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
