i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
