Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
